growing pains….. January 20, 2012

i am at the effect of feeling a little pain in growth. well, not even pain, but the deflated sense of not getting my way.

-not getting to act out.
-misbehave.
-be irrational.
-yell.
-scream.
-be utterly out of control.

but the word is GENEROSITY.

im choosing to be generous. before we start, please dont misinterpret what i am saying…im not talking as if i am self-righteous and “granting” such a notion onto another from a gaudy throne high up in a castle. and it is in fact not true that others are victim to my every whim…thats not what i am saying…
ok, here we go…

“Generosity is not giving me that which I need more than you do, but it is giving me that which you need more than I do.”-
Khalil Gibran

let me first say, no one “needs” anyone else’s actions to dictate their happiness or reality. we own all of that in our minds.

but, sometimes i wake up such as this morning and want to piss in someones cheerios just…because.
because i get antsy
because i get uncomfortable with intimacy
because i want to create distance
because its a bad habit
because i want to aggressively act and not even react, but simply act out
because im anxious about God knows what
“because” takes on a multitude of faces.

and c’mon, i KNOW i am not alone.

but today i chose against myself (my immature self, that is) to be GENEROUS with my love. i chose to bestow generosity to someone elses feelings over my desire to instantly gratify and soothe my own knee-jerk reaction to stress. which we all know would cause myself and someone else emotional harm.

someone else needed my love. an idea in my mind arose that i needed to be an ass more than they needed my love. but i chose against “getting something unimportant off my chest” and chose to give love.

generosity with love wins every time. there is nothing to be lost there.

and the ridiculously elementary part of this whole thing is that i had no foundation for my unwarranted desire to be crazy anyway. i was just bored…and doesnt it seem more appropriate that in these times of “boredom” i find a cure for cancer or something??! …do something that actually matters in the world?!

it is really interesting the human condition. and i will use myself as the example. i am really a strong promoter of love and beauty to be displayed, given and received. however, i feel its going to be a life long journey in training myself to not deflect or reject that love.
maybe it will forever be an unanswered question on why we need love so much, but fight its flood over us.
we resist it,
we make excuses on why we shouldnt have it, and its scientifically proven that babies grow properly from being given healthy doses of love. everything inside and outside of nature exists better because of it.
but still we resist.

coming full circle, maybe i practiced a little self-love as a by-product of graciously extending love rather than spitting venom on another individual. maybe i saved myself the much-craved chaos that in essence is not good for me. maybe along with loving someone i saved myself today…thats a good start to the day, and every thing from here on out today is bonus.

generous with my love
generous with my kindness
generous with the things that are good…this is what i want to try today.

and i hope you are generous with me in understanding that our lives are a beautiful process…always something to be learned.
always somewhere to improve
always the opportunity to become better friends with our highest selves.

much love-

n.